Tuesday, September 27, 2005
i dont know how many times i've editted this post.. but here goes.he's right.
i shouldnt bitch people.
all they'd do is bitch back.
then everyone will be ruined.
but i dont think i can give in again.
i've reached my limit.
they've crossed the line, long ago.
i should leave them alone.
once and for all.
they'd get the message,
sooner or later.
it's not like as if they'd mind my absence, anyway.
but leaving them alone.. would mean i would be even more alone. am i sure i wanna do this?
yeah; i guess. it's good and bad. but if that's the way it has to be, fine by me. really.
funny how i told myself ive lost trust in everyone except (so) and (so). and then bamm. something happens, the impact smashes my heart and trust at the same time. and i'm left here, thinking what just happened.
ohwells.
i guess it was gonna happen sooner or later.
but still. ):
anyways,
i hope i'll spend my recesses in class catching up on my revision, which i seriously am lagging behind on. partly cos i'm lazy, and also because i'm a slow learner. besides, i dont need to consume all that unnecessary, unhealthy food anyway. i dont eat during recess cos im hungry. i eat cos im greedy. and anyways, i'll be much happier in class; where everything is much more pleasant, to put it nicely.
it's late. well not really, but i shouldnt be up now. i made some edits to this blog. it's plain-er now. it's starting to disgust me. but whatever.
as usual, i didnt study much today. still got lots left to study. i feel quite worried, but i'm still not doing anything. goodness i'm such a pain. how annoying.
theres so much to do after the exams. heres roughly what ive got to do. not much details.
joey boy's birthday. regular qt. fasting. bio reflections. missiontrip. generation camp. dates. shopping. movies. meetups. parties. sleepovers. black. (possibly red and white too) intense tanning. swimming. music theory. piano - jazz. guitar. drums. regular jogging. intense gym. intense weights. intense situps. pushup (;
ha. for now? ive 47 chaps of geog left, hopefully il finish 27 chapters tmr, although i'm sure it's impossible. i havent started on chem, bio, history, math, or chinese prep. il start on history soon, followed by chem and bio and chinese. i'm starting to feel the stress.
what's trust to you?
what's friendship to you?
who am i to you?
nothing too great,
as we both know very well.
then i ask myself.
how do i treat the trust God has placed in me?
how do i use the time He has entrusted to me?
how do i treat His friendship he has given to me?
God loves me more than anyone else could/would.
do i even love Him?
do i even trust in Him?
do i treasure every moment spent with Him?
do i long to meet Him every moment?
to i talk to Him often?
do i think of Him all the time?
do i confide in Him?
do i listen to Him?
have i neglected my Lord?
He is the king of all; the creator.
and who am i to desrve all this,
and neglect it all.
i am unworthy,
i am sorry ):
who am i to judge others, i know.
but ive really come to my wits end.
and i need to get over this.
i need to focus on my studies.
i give up loving my friends.
i'll let Him take over from here.
i need a hug. but i dont want one from you. i dont want one from anyone. but i want one from someone, someone but you.
=/
i'm weird.
alright alright alright alright.
that;s more than you ought to know.
my back hurts really bad;
i hope theres nothing wrong.
my hair is finally try from my late night bath.
yes, again.
i'm starting to rub my eyes.
they're turning red and sore.
my body's tired, so am i.
that;s it.
i dont want to fall sick again.
i cant afford to
i need to focus.
to focus on my studies,
and put everything else on hold.
everything except god, of course.
alright.
goodnight;
Saturday, September 24, 2005
this is it.break off every unnecessary insignificant meaningless and ridiculous connection ive ever made with anyone and everyone.
everyone.
everywhere.
except perhaps for one. or two.
well well.
i dont want to talk it out, cos all you'd do is say something to make me trust you just a while later the same thing happens all over again. wth.
oh wait. you wouldnt even bother to talk things out with me. and which person am i referring to? ack. you're all the same.
whatever.
i guess this was the way i was meant to live.
life's not all about getting high. and it's not all about friends and cliques and bestfriends and whatever shit. i guess i should learn to let go, and ive gotta learn fast.
more to life.
indeed. that song is so.. yeah. more to life.
life.
what's the point of everything?
i came into this world with nothing
and when my times come, i'll leave this world empty handed too, i think.
so then, what's the point? if "life" that matters only starts after death, whats the point of life on earth?
it's all about one friend. jesus. all i'll ever need. the only friend that'll really be with me for eternity. the only one who knows what i cant tell anyone. the only one who truly loves me for who i am. ha. truly madly deeply.
wwjd?
i hope i wont regret this.
and dont blame this on exam stress.
it started long ago, just that i didnt have the guts to say anything. cos i thought it was just myself being overly sensitive. so i gave it some time, to see what'll happen. well, here's how it's turned out.
ive fallen out of the picture.
so, now the picture is perfect.
everyone's happy now. right?
anyways, here i am, just to say.
i know what's going on.
i'm sure you do too.
im falling out of the picture real bad.
everywhere i go.
i just cant anymore.
ive really tried,
if you havent noticed.
i just cant.
i quit.
god bless.
i dont think you even know who you are.
goodnight.
Friday, September 23, 2005
let's work hard together! lovely braceface-enen :D love you babe!
OMG I JUST SPENT DAMN LONG TYPING A POST AND THIS DAMN BLOGGER THING SCREWS MY POST COS I PUT <3
DAMNIT! WASTE MY PRESCIOUS TIME.
ugh.
forget it maybe i wasnt meant to come here anyways.
i havent kept to a single one of my 17 rules, and i dont follow my timetables. i have hardly studied, and i still have other deadlines to meet. i have one week left, many chapters to study and shit to memorise. i think im gonna suffer for every subject, and i shall fail badly and get kicked out of mg, or if i'm "lucky", il get retained.
i'm in the process of something else; of which it's importance i am not sure of. i'm less than 1% "there", and i guess it'll take some time. a lifetime, perhaps. oh whatever.
i need to stop focusing on the what happened and what's gonna happen, keeping in mind what's happening right now. instead, i need to focus on the present - whats happening right now, keeping in mind what had happened previously, and trust God in what's gonna come out of this.
i guess i was wrong to assume you took me seriously, for which i aplolgise.
today's bio presentation was effed up. but whatver. here's what matters > jojo, thanks for putting in so much effort into making the lovely powerpoint and i'm so so sorry our presentation was such a failure. <3>IT considered a fail? whatever. really pathetic cos i studied pretty hard for that test and yet i still get that kinda shit marks. history is not my subject.
i'm lagging behind in construction for math. i'm really starting to worry. i cant rmb all my other formulas and explanations we learnt this year. goodness grascious god bless me, please. i shall do more practices.
my bio and chem has always been bad, so i dont expect myself to do any better. but the thing is, i'm struggling just to get that 50% for each subject. so, more hard work?
for chinese? i did surprisingly well for the previous test. pretty amazed. maybe it;s cos i studied at home instead of at church, so i managed to memorise the words better? i dont know i had a really hard time memorising the words actually. pretty surprised about my good marks for this test. anyways, i really need those good marks cos ive always had around the lowest in our half of the normal chinese class, um.. that means the seven of us. so.. i guess memorising the words wont come so soon, but ive really gotta work on my weakness - the comprehension and the cloze passage. laoshi says there's gonna be around 4 compres and a cloze passage in one typical exam paper, according to the new o lvl chinese format. they're taken out the zaoju etc and placed alot of emphasis on tian2 xie3 han4 zi4 and compre and listening and oral. so, i am so so dead.
what about geog? ive around 54 chapters to study; 2 down, 52 more to go! somebody shoot me.
that's more than enough from me today, this week, and the next two weeks or so.
for today, i shall continue on my half finished math paper, after which i shall take a phonecall break, after which i shall study a chapter of geog, bathe, have dinner and then decide if i'm going for pnp tonight. but if i am, i'll prolly go downstairs at yellow benches to study, hopefully without anybody disturbing me, although i wont mind some company! but we've gotta study - serious. really no time. i am doomed, doomed i tell you! so, i shall now go and..
STUDY!!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
i need to study, so by right i should not be here in the first place. but i came to tell you; i came up with some rules for myself last night, but i didnt keep to any of them today. anyways, i dont think il be online till after my exams, which is on the 12th october. or at least, i shouldnt be online. if you see me online or whatever, ask me to get off the comp 5 mins later. and make sure i do. been sick yesterday and today, i hope it goes away really soon cos it;s really affecting my revision. been quite moody lately, because of (people), and that has been affecting my revision too. i hope, i'll be able to put all these aside, just for 23 days. exams start on 5th october, that's 14 days away. and exams end on 12th october, 21 days away. i have lots to study for geog, around 50+ chapters. 6 chapters of history, less than 30 chapters for chinese, around 5 chapters for chem and bio each. so, i'd have to put aside most of my time for geog, followed by history, chinese, bio, and chem. ha. and only 14 days left till exams start. i doubt i can finish. oh, and miss ng said english was going to be tough, especially the summary. waha. that's it i'm finished; dead. oh, and theres home econs stuff to settle. what a pain.the thing that ruins the entire day, is breaking down. i cant study i cant sleep. ugh.
do look under my calendar for the exam timetable.
please pray for me, this is gonna be nuts.
my brother is so blessed. all he does is play my guitar and slack around and read books the whole day and he only has to study the night before the exams and he passes with flying colours.
daddy tells me not to compare. i'm really jealous. imagine with me. if my brother actually studies daily for his exams, two weeks before his exams; just like what im doing. i bet he'll score full marks in every subject, except maybe chinese. haix. what about meeeeee! ): daddy says im just like him; i think so too. i'm hot tempered and easily excited and moody and i like to be alone and the list goes on but it's 8:05 alrd and i said il get off the comp at 7:30. nownow, bad bad eunice. i shall fly.
pray for me? thanks.
i hope i dont turn on this computer agian for the next three weeks; except maybe tmr to do my home econs folio - 2hrs for that!
enough is enough. time to go.
wake me up when everything ends.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
wake me up when all this ends.Saturday, September 17, 2005
hello. i am stressed. EOYs are coming really really soon and i havent even started on my revision. and ive gotta finish the pw presentation thing tonight by myself, again. plus the CIP reflections thing. and art draft thing. and then tmr is gonna be nuts cos il be helping out at the nursery and then after that maybe go home and mug and then at night go my granparents' house for dinner and then mug again. so that leaves me with really really little time left to study. got chinese and bio on monday. really bad shit cos chinese and bio are my two weakest subjects, apart from history and lit and chem and.. ah. i'm not good in my studies la. and i;m kinda worried il screw my tests on monday cos im really in no mood to study so i wont be able to rmb anything. ah, it's already 10 at night and i still need to bathe. i'd better get started on my CIP reflections thing, and then go bathe and start studying my chinese. i hope il get enough sleep tonight; i'm starting to look bad. anyways, these next few weeks are going to be effed up. so, i guess i'm mentally prepared for a.. nevermind. i'm prepared for the worst, i think. hmm,. ok maybe not.one thing about me. i cant take failures. i just cant.
today's service was good i guess. i kinda.. bah. nevermind. no time to say it now. il blog about it another time.
ugh. enough blogging. i'd better get started so i can get some sleep. oh, and thanks korkor and cloney.. thanks. thanks for being there and listening to me complain.
i wonder how i wonder why. i kinda really hate that song. gah. i wonder whats gonna happen next, eh. or maybe i dont wanna know.. oh whatever. i'm soooo screwed. and so are we. except for you, that is, cos you.. oh nevermind. this post is dumb. i didnt bring across what i wanted to, i think. oh nevermind. byebye.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
hello. i wasted my one week break and i'm starting to regret it already. so soon eh. ha.the weekend was good and bad in it's own ways. met daniel(: ha. watched longest yard. really funny(: after web went for dinner with the wg and then to jeanette's house for the sleepover. we watched mean girls. didnt quite sleep that night.
went church together on sunday. pastor glen and aunty bim and phil and matt, together with achan somchai and the pastor frm songdao were there too. that was nice(: had missions meeting. then.. hai. then at home i did pw and some other stuffs in between all the way till pretty late.
on monday i kept on falling asleep in class. aft school went home and did pw and chem and some other stuff all the way till pretty late again. only got to study chem at 11+ cos i was rushing pw before that. but by the time i got to chem i was in no mood to study. so i went to sleep. or at least i tried. went to my daddy. i thought he was going to scold me for being up so late and for waking him up in the middle of his sleep like he usually would. he heard me out and prayed for me until i fell asleep.
woke up today looking and feeling horrible. horrid eyebags and red swollen eyes. wth. chem test was a disaster. pw was the same as usual. whole class got lecture frm mrs chen. i kinda agreed with what she said. but whatever. got pretty annoyed again. dont think she knows. doesnt she ever feel guilty? recess was nice. zoe and stephanie told me the story line for the three stories. so that's quite a bit of help for tmr's chinese book test. grammar was a waste of time and so was lit. math was okay. english was okay too. lunch was nice. but i think i ate too much again. but whatever. sihui got angry with me over project work. caught her online just now. she said she was angry but shes not angry anymore and she didnt want to tell me what i did wrong. ohwells. we're cool i guess?
oh, and (name), ive got the message. fine then. i wont be doing that again for quite a long time. and you can trust me on that. cos i dont see the point if (cut off). but you know. my phone is always on if you ever do think of me. though i know you dont and wont. but whatever.
i've gotten to know afew people i didnt like abit better. they make me feel.. bad though. anyways, rmb what david told me lastyear during one of the very rare times we talked. cant rmb what exactly he said, didnt know how we got to that topic, but this is how i think it went. he said that in secondary sch, friends change. and all those close friends you think you have wont be there for you when you really need them. they'd be god knows where. instead, it'd be all those loner people that you thought were not your type of friend. the people that were not in your clinque. they'd be the ones there for you and to help you out. i rmb my reaction to that was something like "uhh.. okayy..." lol. now i know what he meant.
this saturday ive got chinese oral in the morning. so i guess after that il go to the cold storage at kap to get chocobaby for meimei and korkor and of course myself and then prolly head down to church to study. mei you wanna meet? on sunday is the anniversary, right? i signed up to help for nursery but no one has contacted me yet so we'll see what happens. oh, and does anyone know if im in the camp comm? i kinda forgot to go for the meeting after svc afew weeks ago. heh.
man. so many tests coming up. theres one of chap9 for history tmr, as well as the chinese book test. then next monday theres chinese test and bio test. got lots to study so im not too sure i should go on sunday for the anniversary.. we'll see. anyways, i shall have to go now. i need to study for history and do my math homework. hopefully i can sleep earlier tonight. i'm really tired. byebye.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Can you leave me here alone nowI don't wanna hear you say
That you know me
That I should be
Always doin what you say
Cuz I'm tryin to get through today
And there's one thing I know
I don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out
I Don't wanna think about you
Or think about nothin
Don't wanna talk this one out
I won't let you bring me down
Cuz I know
I don't wanna think about you
Don't wanna think about you
When I wake up here tomorrow
Things will never be the same
Cuz I won't wait
Cuz you won't change
And you'll always be this way
Now I'm gonna get through today
And there's one thing I know
I don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out
I don't wanna think about you
Or think about nothin
Don't wanna talk this one out
This time I won't let you bring me down
Won't let you shut me out
This time I know
I don't wanna think about you
Run away
Run away
Running as fast as I can
Run away
Run away
I'll never come back again
Run away
Run away
Don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out
Don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna talk this one out
I don't wanna think about you
Think about me
Don't wanna figure this out (figure this out)
I don't wanna think about you
Or think about nothin
Don't wanna talk this one out
This time I won't let you bring me down (bring me down)
Won't let you shut me out (shut me out)
This time I know
I don't wanna think about you
Run away
Run away
I don't wanna think about you
Run away
Run away
I don't wanna think about you
Run away
Run away
I don't wanna think about you
ive been telling myself for quite a while that no matter what she does, i wont be bothered by it. that i wont get pissed or upset. i'd just smile and go "oh okay. sure sure. nevermind. " so that's what ive been doing, cos maybe it's not her fault right? maybe she didnt mean to. actually ive been wanting to tell her straight in the face that ive had it with her. but i guess i've never really gotten down to that. shes just so oblivious. and that quite pisses me off. but i just kept quiet. no point making a fuss i guess. but now, really, you've gone too far. ive had enough of your hot and colds, and enough of all your crap. sick of you making me feel so important, and then so frikkin insignificant. sick of you being so irresponsible. sick of you saying one thing and doing another. sick of all your lies and your insincerity. ive had enough, and i'm not joking. i swear. ive had enough.
ha. ive had enough. but lyk.. think about it. so what? i guess i cant do anything about it.
eff. what amuses me and frustrates me is that i still love you, miss friend. but i think best friends is too much to ask out of both you and me. for now, us being friends is hard for me. so can you please leave me alone for a while. dont push it. dont ask for what hughug. dont call me. dont msg me. dont hold my hand. just. stay away for a while, please. i know you'll have no problem staying away. now that i dont know whether to be happy or sad.
you say it's your life. well, i think so too. hey. but it's my life too. and i'm not your bestfriend or whatever shit you wanna call me. so dont think i'm okay with doing this that for you and all you can say is "sorry la. really cant be helped" while you're out having the time of your life with your FRIENDS. so, what am i to you?
ha. i think this post is really really lame and childish. well thats what we are. lame and childish. ha. you're lame and i'm childish. and when i say lame i dont mean the nice type of lame.
ha. they're right. i make friendships sound like bgr relationships. maybe cos i take friendships too seriously. or maybe cos friendships are supposed to be taken lightly.
argh. whateverrrr. like you care.
oh, and seriously, i'm not bimboish, am i? whatever your answer be, dont call me bimbo la! waliao. i'm so not bimbo la. bimbos are dumb and pretty and useless. ohshit. damnit! grr. i'm not a bimbo and that's final. you hear me?!!
haha. that was funny.
blearghhh,
lunch callssssss.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
wonder why some things are the way they are. and i wonder whether im the cause of certain things.one thing ive realised about myself. when things go wrong and i'm to blame, i just cant accept that. it just doesnt make sense to me. i'd find someone else to blame, or make it seem like i'm the victim. ha. guess what. it disgusts me too.
well well.
another thing ive realised. nothing really excites me anymore. like. ive lost all obsession. it can get me high, but that's different. told nic this, that ive many minor interests, but no strong passions. nothing. and ive lost interest in many things i was obsessed with. ha. feels like ive lost my personality. so, seriously, what do i wanna be when i grow up? ive gotta set my goals and start working towards them. then maybe, just maybe il achieve my goal; that is, once ive got one. but on the other hand, with nothing in mind for my future, wouldnt that make it easier for me to surrender my future to Him to use me as He has planned. but the thing is; i dont know what He has planned for me. so, what do i work towards now?
ah, i'll never know.
anyhoo.
spent the whole of yesterday on the comp making history notes. spent the whole of today on the comp doing nothing, which is ridiculous. i shall make a schedule, which i know will not be respected, but il make one anyway, so that at least i can say i tried to make good use of my one week break. yeah. you know what. i only have one day left of my one week break to study. cos from thursday onwards i'd either be wasting my time trying, or, hopefully, getting our projects done.
this blogskin is starting to bore me. i'll find a nicer one soon; or perhaps start making my own.
one question. are friendships meant to last? ive been reading around people's blogs. and though i dont quite know sabrina, some things she said kinda hit me. it made me think of all the people i once told myself i could depend on. ha. i guess i still love them, but things just arent the same anymore. sorta like sabrina, at first it was friend ***. we were like super close. my closest friend ever. but then friend *** found another closest, or something happened. so, i eventually found friend *** and friend ***. we were like damn close and i thought that friendship was sure to last. and then something prettymuch the same happens. and then it keeps repeating over and over again. so, really. are friendships meant to last? ha. not anymore.
it's not so much of a "friendfriend" thing. that's lame. but rather a matter of knowing who to depend on and who to trust. knowing that the person depends and trusts you too makes quite a difference.
realistic people have told me. only time will tell. we'll try this friendship, but no promises. only time will tell.
words like that doesnt make one feel secure at the first glace, but after some thought, it's much more realistic than something cliche like "friends forever" and "you can always count on me". cos all that is just bullshit.
anyway, we'll see how this turns out.
i guess i wont flare up or get emo or whatever shit. cos i dont see whats the point of gettinng upset. BUT. that doesnt mean i'm okay with it. that doesnt mean you can take advantage of me, if that's what you're thinking of doing. cos i'm not as dumb as some apparently think i am. and i will do what i have to do, if i have to.
ok. time find something to call dinner.
at times, life's such a pain. but after a while, i think il get used to it. and when i think ive seen it all. boom.
ha. that's life for you.
Friday, September 02, 2005
what's the point.EFF.
even if you ever do bother asking, i'd not tell you anyways. cos i dont see how that'll help. in fact, i dont see why im still here blogging. this post, and this blog too, is meaningless and prettymuch redundant. ha. i'd be staying where i'd stay till the exams end, or whenever i please. but i guess my phone'll still be turned on. but i guess if it's necessary for me to go whereever then i'd have no choice. my one week break. horrible start. like shit bad. guess i'd be waking up early and staying up late to study. ha. and prolly do qt too? hopefully. hope i can clear all my projects by tuesday cos i really want to spend my week alone. hope i'd make good use of the week to catch up on sleep and study hard so i can perhaps pull up my grades cos i did really badly this term. and to exercise to burn FATS ive gained thanks to all the junk ive been stuffing myself with. and settle whatever i need to settle with whoever. or let things settle themselves. whichever la. it's not gonna be my responsibility to care this time. but.. why do i bother studying? so that i'd at least be worth something in the future and in the present too i guess. i did so badly this term. lyk really badly. quite average, if not below average. i'm not doing as well as i should, though i cant really be bothered now, but i know if i dont study now i'd be regretting it for quite some time. um, nevermind. i cant even convince myself how am i supposed to go convince others.
RAWRR. forget this post. i shall stop now, before i get myself into more trouble. i see no point in continuing anyway. ive had long days the past few months, and i wonder when this will finally end. or is life gonna be like this forever?
ah, what's the point.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Significance?There are points in my life
When things happen that make me feel insignificant
Things that i do just seems to make no sense
And everyday is just going through the motion
And life is just getting nowhere
And everything is meaningless
Thank God i found some one who cares
Who is always there for me although sometimes i chose not to believe
He gave me a new hope for the future
He accepted me for who i was,
and all i did was to reject Him
At times i wanted to give up
Sometimes i gave up
Even then He still cared
And waited for me to come back to Him
He was there right from the start
Ever waiting for me to return
Walking me through ever dark patch in life
Although i couldn't feel or see Him, i know He's always there.
He sent me blessings
People like angels
To help me grow
In ways i struggle to
I still get hurt and misunderstood
I still face low times in life
But the comforting thought of Him being there for me
Will always be there
And although i'm insignificant to many people
But i know that i can find my singnificance in Him
And we know this is true
Cos we've found our significance in Him
jiayou sarah meimei. praying for you (:
<3 eunice